I love waking up early, especially when I’m on holiday. I can’t put into words my love for early and cloudy mornings. Sadly, today is one of those summer days: the sun shines brighter than my future — but that doesn’t stop me from feeling happy. Starting the day, now onto the kitchen!
Wait… where’s my breakfast???
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Firstly, the sunlight burning my skin. Now, it seems like my Mum is out, so I have to make my own breakfast. Alright, then.
Eggs. Milk. Cheese, maybe? I can’t stop myself from sighing. Why are my cooking skills so bad? Ok, now I need a frying pan. Just turn the oven on and fry the eggs. Put the kettle on. Add milk in it. I tell myself. Doing everything as I’m told — by my inner voice — makes things work pretty well, I would say. I just need to-
[…]
“Have you noticed how gorgeous you’re looking right now? He is a lucky guy” my aunt mutters. I look up at her, trying to fake my best thanks-for-the-honest-compliment face. I know she is lying, as she comes from a place where people would never find someone like me pretty. I know that deep inside she thinks I’m an anaemic bitch.
To whom it may concern: an important thing I’ve learnt over the years is that beauty hasn’t got a precise meaning. Every person, or a group of people, will have different opinions over our physical appearance. I’m not saying that because I’m trying to be one of those prats who post so-called motivational stuff on Instagram (as if they really change their followers’ lives). I say that because I really find it hilarious that I’m called ‘ugly and flat’ in her city, but ‘skinny legend’ and ‘model’ in another continent. Just imagine if I had believed them and decided to change my body in order to be complimented by people like her?
Anyways, I just wanted to share a fun fact, and it’s up to you if you want to follow my advice or not. Now, let’s get back to the dull reality.
Whilst we wait for the church to be ready for the ceremony, another woman suddenly starts rambling to me. “Oh, there you are! Congrats on your wedding! Your dress fits you so well” says (more like ‘yells’) another person I don’t know properly. By their accent, I can see they’re also from… wait!
[…]
“Are you okay, my darling?,” I hear a male voice near me, so I turn my head in its direction, just to see a blond guy looking at me with a worried face. “Hm, yeah, I am” I reply, slightly — or totally — confused.
Who’s this idiot? I wonder. Why are you trying to hug me? Don’t touch me!
“You look exhausted. Let me take you somewhere you can rest” he says, taking my hand in his and guiding me through a tunnel that leads us to a… tree? “Hi! Your baby bump is so visible now! You must be so excited to meet your little bundle of joy,” says another woman, who I recognise as one of my secondary school teachers, grinning as she hands me a ‘wedding gift’. “This is something I wanted to give you as a gift… I know it’s not something posh, but I know you love your favourite band,” she adds shyly, “so take this Vinyl Record. There are a few songs of them you might like, I reckon”
For the first time in the last 2 hours, something good has finally happened to me: I’ve just got a LP of my favourite band.
“Oh. My. Goodness!!! Thank you so much!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” I say, trying to contain my overhyped happiness.
[…]
I, somehow, got lost in this shopping centre whilst looking for Mum. Why do its aisles look like a maze?
“Mum? Mum! What are you doing? I’ve been looking for you for hours,” I say as I approach her, but she doesn’t reply, too focused on a gambling game.
Since when does she like casinos?!
[…]
Just as I get ready for my wedding ceremony, I look down to my belly just to find out that I’m… pregnant?!
“We’re expecting a baby boy!” The man who’s said to be my fiancé announces, looking at me with lovey-dovey eyes.
“How lovely! You must be so happy, aren’t you?” A woman replies to him.
For God’s sake. Who would have thought something like this could ever happen to me? What have I done to deserve a life full of sorrow? My future looked bright… until now. I’m getting married to a man I barely know, and worst of all: I’m pregnant. What happened to my plans of getting a place at university? What about my plans of being successful? How am I supposed to have power and control in my hands if my fate is being a housewife? My life has just been destroyed.
“A penny for your thoughts” Once again, here he is, bringing me back to reality and making me feel even worse.
“It doesn’t matter”
“Of course it does, darling. You look sad”
“Why do you keep rubbing me up the wrong way?? Fuck off!”. My voice is involuntarily coated with loathe. I know he is just worried about me, but I can’t help my disgust towards his and everyone else’s affection.
Affection. Public Affection. PDA. Call it what you want. That’s another thing I hate and feel uncomfortable with since I was a kid. It is something that rubs me up the wrong way and makes me feel like rubbish. So why can’t these people just stop touching me, kissing me, hugging me all the time? I mean, keep your hands to yourself, would you?
[…]
Sometimes we just need to acknowledge our reality. Facing it isn’t the easiest thing to do, but accepting your current situation can make you, at least, slightly happier.
Sometimes we need to embrace the person we’ve turned out to be.
That’s why I decided to stop crying over spilt milk and live my new life. From now on, I’m a dedicated wife, a dedicated lover, a dedicated mother and, most of all, a woman who loves her life and doesn’t feel sad about the things that didn’t happen, but could have happened. I embrace my new self.
“Bloody hell. How the hell did I become so… so… I’m a failure!”
It is what it is.
[…]
The sun is already up and I assume it’s kind of late — like 12am or so — for me to still be in bed. How did I manage to sleep so much?
“W-what’s going on? Why are you look-looking at me like that?” I stutter, confused by the worried look in my mother’s eyes.
“You had a… grand mal, sweetie” she says, hesitating and definitely feeling too ashamed to even talk about what happened.
“W-what? When??”
“Some minutes ago, in the kitchen”
Now everything makes sense. The headache and sickness I’m feeling.
“And how did I end up here, in my bedroom?” I reply, noticing that I don’t remember anything that happened yesterday after my breakfast.
“Walking. Don’t you recall?”
“No”
“You were near the oven, then suddenly dropped everything that was in your hand. And after that… you know. When you woke up, I helped you get up and lie down here,” she adds.
Yesterday wasn’t yesterday. Yesterday is today. Today isn’t a new day.
Who would have thought something like this could ever happen to me?
It doesn’t take much to activate a short circuit. The smallest of the things can change your future and your so-called plans.
Sometimes we just need to acknowledge our reality and bounce back.
Sometimes we need to embrace the person we’ve turned out to be.
It is what it is.
